Life in a Devils Hands
For Me It Was A Choice Between Life Or Death, Happiness Or Sorrow
It didn't seem to matter how skinny, lifeless and sick I got the devil was fastly taking control over me yelling out things in my head letting me think it was a friend trying just to help me lose weight, weight that is so important just to stay alive. But it didn't seem to matter what it said it would do it, each day having less and less food until some days none, half an apple if lucky and excessive exercise which in my mind was normal not bad.
The thought of food would make me feel deeply sick, even though my stomach wanted it so bad my mind didn't.
Everyday all I could concentrate on was how many grams of fat I ate, calculating them all the time even researching it in books. Even if it were over 1gram of fat I would exercise to the extreme of fainting and having minor fits.
My life was fastly wasting away day by day; just the feel of my bones sticking out of my skin was such a great feeling like I had really accomplished something in my life, although I thought I still looked fat. Even though I was getting skinnier each day I would still see this fat image while others saw a skeleton.
I was so petrified of dying although this obsessive disorder would take over that.
It wasn't until I actually admitted to myself and others that I had anorexia, a compulsive disorder, that I actually realised not so much the way that I was destroying my own life but how it was destroying those who are close to me. And that if I died I would have broken their hearts forever and caused them so much pain.
Anorexia is such a hard illness and until you admit to yourself that you have a problem there is no way to overcome it. It was a long road for me and it took a lot to fight it but it was worth it because it means I can live to the fullest and be happy with myself.
I want to Thank Clive and Julie from Wellington Eating Disorder Services for all their help and support throughout my illness. I can't say how much I appreciate your kindness to save my life. I will never forget how much you helped.
Kate Johnston