• About CREDS
• Seeking Help?
• For Friends & Family
• Education and Training

• I think my friend or family member has an eating disorder...
• Common questions
• Factsheets
• Signs that indicate an eating disorder
• How to help
• When to intervene
• General Advice
• Frequently asked questions
• Accessing our services
• Where to go
• Seek support for yourself
• Personal stories
• Recommended reading

Frequently asked questions

• 1. I have spoken to them but they keep denying that they have a problem, what should I do?
• 2. I feel overwhelmed, what should I do?
• 3. Sometimes I feel so angry with them, what should I do?
• 4. I feel like it's taking over our lives, what should I do?
• 5. How long will it take them to get well?
• 6. Should I monitor their weight?
• 7. Should I comment if they lose or put on weight?
• 8. I'm worried about how big they're becoming, what should I do?
• 9. I've noticed food going missing / food in their bedroom / lots of food wrappers hidden, what should I do?
• 10. "I've noticed how little they are eating/ how they lie about food/ they don't eat when we are out, what should I do?
• 11. They go through periods of not eating much, or not eating at all, what should I do?
• 12. They are not eating, should I entice them to eat?
• 13. I think they are vomiting after eating, what should I do?
• 14. Should I watch them eat?
• 15. Should I make them eat what the rest of the family is eating or should I let them eat what they want?
• 16. They want me to buy certain foods and not buy others - should I cater to their needs like this?
• 17. Should I change my eating habits?

1. I have spoken to them but they keep denying that they have a problem, what should I do?

• When you first discuss food issues don't be surprised if they refuse to talk or deny that there is a problem. (It is frightening to admit you have a problem that is out of control and the thought of giving up the behaviour can be even more frightening). No matter how much you care and want to help there is very little you can do if the person does not recognise that they have a problem.
• When discussing your concern be compassionate and open.
• Find support for yourself (friends, doctor, a counsellor).
• Try to persuade them to see a counsellor, doctor or healthcare professional, even if it's just to 'humour you'. Go with them if necessary.
• If they are loosing weight rapidly and/or you are aware that they are purging 2 or more times a week be insistent.
• Remember you cannot force them to seek help. Keep showing them your concern.

2. I feel overwhelmed, what should I do?

• Try not to blame yourself or them. Remember you are struggling with the eating disorder, not each other.
• Find support for yourself (friends, doctor, a counsellor).
• Try to keep maintaining your normal functioning and your own life.
• Set limits (make sure that you have some time out when you're not thinking about them).
• You will not be able to rescue them or make things better. Decide how much support you can realistically give and don't feel guilty that you can't do more.

3. Sometimes I feel so angry with them, what should I do?

• None of us are perfect, we all make mistakes - you will get angry, frustrated, and frightened sometimes.
• Take time to notice your own feelings and try not to feel guilty for them.
• Use "I" statements when possible ("I feel angry when …" rather than "You're always…").
• If you find yourself getting angry try to direct it at the eating disorder, not at them.

4. I feel like it's taking over our lives, what should I do?

<typolist>

Try to keep your routine as normal as possible, show that you love them but keep your own lives going (however, don't ignore the eating disorder) - we know this is a hard balance to find.

Try to stay united with your other family members or flatmates and spend quality time with them, especially other children.

Have time out from the stress of the eating disorder.

</typolist>

5. How long will it take them to get well?

• Have patience - recovery is slow (for some it may only take months, but for most it will take years - the initial part is the hardest and the most worrying, it won't always be like this).
• If they are underweight - remember that putting on weight is not the only thing. Putting on weight without doing internal emotional work is not likely to last, the change needs to be from the inside out. Having said this, however, change is only possible by having enough food to be able to think properly.
• Notice and reinforce small steps and changes.

6. Should I monitor their weight?

• No, it is better to get a professional to do this, and only then if they are underweight.

7. Should I comment if they lose or put on weight?

• Generally it is not helpful to continue to comment on weight, but if they keep losing weight and you are worried you will need to talk to them.
• If they are saying that they are big and they are not, do a reality check with them. Eg. Check out what they weigh or what dress size they are.
• If they are big remind them of the importance of who they are and encourage they to find other ways to feel good about themselves.
• In general talk about how they are feeling rather than how they look.
• Do not restrict their food or encourage them to diet.

8. I'm worried about how big they're becoming, what should I do?

• Don't make any comments on their weight.
• Don't worry about it, it is not necessarily a worry putting on weight in itself although if you're really worried you may want to get a GP to check if there is a medical reason.
• It may be a sign of something else being wrong, so check how they are, try and talk with them - try to find out if they are binge eating or using food to cope with emotional issues and if so try to persuade them to get counselling.
• Remind them of the importance of who they are and encourage they to find other ways to feel good about themselves.
• In general talk about how they are feeling rather than how they look.
• Do not restrict their food or encourage them to diet.

9. I've noticed food going missing / food in their bedroom / lots of food wrappers hidden, what should I do?

• Talk to them and tell them what you've noticed - ask how they are - encourage them to see a counsellor.
• If they are willing for you to help with this, talk about what would help.
• Make sure that there is a range of food in the house that is available to them to eat when they want.
• Don't talk about food being good or bad.
• Don't talk about diets.
• Don't make they feel guilty or ashamed (they will be very sensitive to this).

10. "I've noticed how little they are eating/ how they lie about food/ they don't eat when we are out, what should I do?

• Talk to them about it and tell them what you have noticed.
• Ask them how they are and why they are not eating much.
• If they are willing to talk with you about what is going on, talk about what would help them.
• Make sure you are eating enough.

11. They go through periods of not eating much, or not eating at all, what should I do?

• Tell them that you are worried and that everyone needs to eat to survive.
• Learn about the diet/binge cycle. Explain to them that they are more likely to binge if they don't eat regularly.
• Understand that they believe that if they start eating they won't be able to stop, try to reassure them that this won't happen.
• Give them permission to eat, as they may be unable to do this for themselves.
• If they are trying natural eating, don't make them eat if they are not hungry, but check the reality of this with them (are they REALLY not hungry).

12. They are not eating, should I entice them to eat?

• Rewards and incentives can be helpful, usually it is better to keep them short-term and small, you'll know what will work for them best.

13. I think they are vomiting after eating, what should I do?

• Tell them that you think they are vomiting and what makes you think this.
• Try to encourage them to stay with people after eating (for at least 30 minutes and up to an hour) - try to distract them with a puzzle, doing the dishes, talking or going for a gentle walk.
• If they are vomiting regularly then they need to see a doctor who knows about their eating disorder and have a blood test and possibly a cardiovascular check. Their potassium levels may be very low which can cause heart problems.
• If they do vomit, they shouldn't brush her teeth for at least an hour as the stomach acids attack the enamel on the teeth, which can cause their teeth to rot.

14. Should I watch them eat?

• If it helps them to fight the eating disorder, ask them.
• If you do, try to do it as naturally as possible, have meals together and keep an eye on what they are eating while you eat rather than just sitting down watching them.
• If they aren't eating much, gently encourage them to eat more. Sometimes if someone else gives them permission to eat it is easier, as they are not able to give themselves permission.

15. Should I make them eat what the rest of the family is eating or should I let them eat what they want?

• A general rule is to get them to eat with the family and to eat the same foods.
• If this is not possible, try to get them to eat a reasonable range of foods (you may be able to help them select some that are less scary, and slowly increase the amount and the variety).

16. They want me to buy certain foods and not buy others - should I cater to their needs like this?

• This depends on whether they have acknowledged their eating disorder and are trying to recover. In this case you may work with them to slowly introduce a wider range of foods into their diet . If they are still denying it, then just buy what you would normally buy.

17. Should I change my eating habits?

• No, it is important that they can see other people eating in normal and healthy ways.
• It is not helpful to talk about your own diets or saying things like "you don't have to diet, I should be the one losing weight" or "I wish I had your will power". Remember an eating disorder is much more than just a diet gone wrong, it's important to understand the feelings and thoughts they are having about their body and food.